hi babygirl. i miss you. you’re doing work though, really proud of you. i think you’re camming with soukan. makes me jealous. yu know i LOVE when you do your work. you are extremely hot when you do work. nothing beats the brains mon.
i don’t write posts here anymore mon. it makes me sad that you check this, or even that you want to. you know i love you. you don’t have to come here and read posts what i wrote if you want to know what im thinking. you know i’m trying. i’m not going to lie to you again. if you want to know something, just ask me and i’ll be as honest as i can with you. i really i don’t know. i don’t know how you can love so many people mon. i know its not the same sort of love.. but how can your heart be so big? what you’re doing to yourself, you’re just going to make it hurt even more
you know as much as i tell you i’m going to get over you i’m not going to. the only way i will is if i get with someone else. even then i don’t know. like as you said to me applies to you too. you have a special place in my heart and nobody can change that, nobody can replace you. its not the same. i love you. i guess i can love someone else too. i just my hearts not willing. it can, but i don’t want to. i cant put someone through what you’re putting me through. its not right. i find myself like doing stupid things every day… i have to like talk myself out of it all the time
every day i wake up upset and i just don’t want to do anything because i know i can’t have you. its stupid. like i don’t know i enjoy having you in my life again i really do. i guess my jealousy just gets the best of me a lot of the time. i feel bad for saying stuff like this because you know i shouldn’t be thinking s much about my feelings. priority is like helping you get your stuff together you know. its tough though. i hate watching you when you’re with your boyfriend. i hate seeing him touch you. you know i know you well. i know what you want most of the time. and i don’t know like watching your boyfriend oh my god is it frustrating… like i see it on your face. you want him to do these things but he just doesn’t it’s like all wrong. you don’t need gifts, you don’t. you just want some love you know from him. you know its been said that god gives us the people that we need, not the ones we want. He gives us the people who we need to hurt us, who will make us grow. i often think about if that’s why.. why i know you why everything has happened you know. i always had my life mapped out for me. when i lied to you, i didn’t really expect us to ever be together because i lied to you. after you disappeared from my life, after i really lost you.. it hit me. suddenly i loved you many folds more. at some point during the course of those 2 and a half years, something died. there was this sort of sudden loss of interest. it wasn’t like about love anymore it was just.. hate and depression. you didn’t want to see me because you loved me, its because you had to. i stopped worrying about you, and worried instead about getting caught. now, i’m still baffled about how much effort i put into lying to you. fucking disgusting. i really am ashamed of myself. i feel embarrassed when you see me because the only thing running through my head is… this is this girl that i fell in love with, the girl i lied to, the girl i hurt. i don’t know how i could do that. but, god when you were gone i just.. i just don’t know. i suddenly like started to reevaluate my life… like what do i want from all of this you know? this summer was really life changing. i always told you forever and always. i always wanted to believe that we would be together, but since i lied like.. i was never really able to piece it together. i always thought like i would end up marrying some indian doctor guy.. and that’d be my life. but then this summer my heart ached in a way that it never has. i remember two weeks after i got out of school, i just was wow couldnt have been any more miserable. i have never been so like put down you know and then i just thought ugh god she must have been going through worse than this for the course of our whatever and it just god it just made me fall harder. i knew you didn’t ever want to talk to me again. there was always like a part of me that was like.. you know this isn’t the end. we had something that you know can never be replaced but, you know how i am. i sorta like overlook the things and downplay my role my importance whatever. but regardless like, i knew you didn’t want to talk to me any more. i couldn’t let go though… there was never a night when i didn’t have my phone right by me. i have never stopped sleeping with my phone ever lol. i always think like.. you know she’s not gonna need me, she won’t call. still, i could never bring myself to just.. let it go. i love you more than ever though mon. when i told you the truth… i just i was so relieved. i could finally breathe again you know. but then when you were like, i wish you had told me earlier cause then maybe things could have been different… its too late now. if you had not said that i would have been fine. it was 1033 days mon. thats how many days, did you know? suddenly a number to the pain.. yeah. it was really that long. sigh. by january you know.. my sister had left for uni already. i was just trying to like get my school shit together.. i’ve never been able to go a day without thinking about you.. but it wasn’t as bad at that point. some days much worse than others but like… generally you know it.. i was getting better. i was doing like everything i could to just.. stop thinking about you. omg its crazy FUCKING CRAZY. like I’VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU SINCE I WAS 13.. LIKE I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AND I DIDNT KNOW ANYONE BESIDES YOU. AND THEN FINALLY LIKE YOU WERE GONE AND IT WAS LIKE.. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!! and ten when i was like finally away from home i wa slike fuck it you know im tired. ITS WEIRD HOW FINALLY I WAS ABLE TO BRING MYSELF TO DO THAT.. AND THEN LESS THAN A WEEK LATER LIKE WE’RE BACK IN TOUCH. AND THEN SUDDENLY ALL THOSE FEELINGS LIKE CAME BACK LIKE.. I WAS STARTING TO LOSE THE FEELINGS BECAUSE I WAS FORGETTING YOU AND THEN IT ALL JUST CAME BACK AND I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT I DIDN’T THINK LIKE YOU COULD DO THAT TO ME.
I UH WOULD CONTINUE THIS BUT ITS 10PM YOU PROB WONT READ THIS ANYWAYS YOU PROBABLY COULD CARE LESS
DONT EXPECT ANY MORE POSTS CAUSE I CONVERTED AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS I CANNOT LET YOU READ THE OTHER ONE CAUSE ITS NOT SAFE FOR YOU TO BE LITERALLY IN MY BRAIN CAUSE THEN WELL THAT’S NO GOOD
sometimes you gotta go through the pain to experience the joy